I have a confession to make. I haven’t been completely honest with a lot of people. When people ask me how I’m doing and am I okay, I tell them that I am. That’s actually been somewhat of a lie.
I’ve been putting up a facade to keep people from knowing what’s really going on with me, because I didn’t want anyone to worry…or hear inconsiderate and insensitive comments.
For the last couple of months, especially in the last few weeks, I haven’t been well. I’ve been going in between erratic mood swings, which I attribute to the holidays and the season. Some days have been brighter than other. Some days I can’t get out of bed, and it’s not just being lazy. Some days I can’t even go outside for just a few minutes. I have had moments of mixed features, when I’ve been feeling depressed but manic at the same time. Those are never fun, but I tend to experience them and depressive episodes more than the mania. But I have had moments of hypomania. I’ve had moments where I was extremely irritable. I’ve had moments of dark thoughts.
Some days I can’t sleep and don’t even realize that I haven’t slept at all. Some days I can’t seem to stay awake.
I’ve been secretly beating myself over things and experiencing anxiety attacks because of them.
This week has especially been trying for me, with constant sadness that’s almost crippling. Conversations with a few people throughout most of the days make me forget those moments and my dark feelings, only to return when I’m alone around nighttime. This week, no one really knows how close I came to a complete emotional breakdown.
To further add to it, some people have simply been too much for me to deal with. Their energies and sometimes their very existence was just sucking the life out of me. Other personal problems have further added to the drain so much that I’ve actually been thinking about leaving Atlanta for a little while to further isolate myself. Toxicity surrounds me, and I need to get rid of it or shut it off.
All of these things explain the reason between September and now I’ve only written in this blog three times, with this one being the fourth. While I’ve been contributing material to bphope.com and working on my first international project and also building my team for The Mad Writer Project for 2019, most days I’ve just been out of it. In fact, I could just say that I wasn’t really here physically.
Other things have been happening as well, but I won’t really go into details since they’re between my doctor and me. But I will talk a little something about it in my next bphope.com article, which will be the last one I write for the next few months.
Before anyone suggests that I should talk to someone about these things, I have. I still have my regular doctor appointments and I talk about them in-depth; for the most part. Before anyone asks have I’ve been off of my meds, I’ve been very consistent with them. The thing with mental illness is that while the medication helps, they don’t cure it. At most, they space out episodes or make them less intense. But there are days when even they can’t suppress the intensity of an episode.
But before I get a bunch of calls and DMs to check on my status and having people overwork themselves worrying about me, I am fine. I’m not standing at the crossroads. I’m not thinking about doing something harmful to myself or others, nor will I do so. This is just an internal battle within myself; no one else has to be involved in this. If anything, I’m evaluating what I need to do to make my life and future better. I’m just a little broken, but I’m fine. I will be okay. I just have to get through this.
While it’s okay to check in on me to see how I’m doing, I don’t want anyone to ask me a million questions or pressure me to talk about what I’m going through or feeling. If I want to talk about it, I will… in my own time and in my own way. Constant pressuring, inconsiderate comments, a bunch of questions, and simply encroaching into my private space will only aggravate me even more; making these symptoms I’m experiencing even worse.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t need the support, encouragements, and prayers. I’m simply asking to respect my space as I go through these fragile times.
Over the next couple of months, I will focus on building my business and taking a break in between activities so I can help myself get through the rough times, and not overextend myself. I was told by someone that I need to rest, and as stubborn as I am about it, I think it’s time that I do. Most people who don’t understand what I do or what I go through would probably think that all I do is rest because if I’m not in my office or out somewhere, I’m in the bed. But what people don’t realize is that even from the bed, I never shut down. I’m mentally and physically exhausted, all because my brain won’t shut down long enough for me to relax.
You’ll still see me post random stuff from time to time, but just know that I’m here, and I’m doing just fine. I will continue to be there and support the ones who need me, especially if you want me to lend an ear. I might not say much, but I’ll listen and be around.
I’ll probably also go back to watching my Facebook videos and playing my games. Lately, I’ve been addicted to watching this thing on Facebook called What If, which discusses various scientific and environmental scenarios. I’ve been playing Risk, a game where you try to take over the world. It’s a board game, and you can imagine my excitement when I saw it in Google Play. Nobody wanted to play chess with me this year…LOL!
I know once I get through this, I will come out with a new sense of purpose and determination. I’ll come out of this with a fresh mindset, and new work to share with everyone. In fact, I’m already planning some things that most people would be shocked that it’s in me.
Thank you for your understanding. If I don’t come back on before Christmas or New Year’s, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and I’ll see you in the next year.
Until the next time…