bipolar disorder, Blogging, Candid Talks, Dead Weight, Life, Likes and Dislikes, Mental Health, Personal, Real Conversations, Through the Fire

Two Days

I know…it’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I’ve either been busy, traveling, or just plain exhausted. But I’ve been around, talking with people and planning moves.

I haven’t even had a chance to write my next post for bphope.com. Hopefully, I can get it done this weekend.

I haven’t even had a chance to do my relaunch of Sunday Night Thoughts. I will announce it as soon as I’m ready.

I’ve just been all over the place…or just out of it. It has taken me two days to write this post because I’ve been tired and feeling off.

But I’m pushing through.

When I looked on the site (which I’ve been mostly away from for a while), I looked and saw that it has been nearly a month since I posted. I was kind of blown away. But as I’ve explained, I had a lot going on.

It’s no secret among my circle that I’ve been kind of in the slumps lately, even though I have a great project that’s out and I’m working on something very special. It started before fall came last month (even though it didn’t feel like fall), and now I’m really feeling it. I’m tired. The days are shorter. I’m feeling the grips of depression trying to take hold of me.

But this is still my favorite season. And I’m pushing through.

Two days. That’s how long it took me to write this post. That’s how drained I feel. I talk about it over and over, but I can’t emphasize it enough. I’m worn out.

If I don’t force myself to come into the office or step outside for a few minutes, I’m confined to my bed. To someone who doesn’t know my history, they would think I’m just being lazy. After all, I don’t work a nine-to-five. I have no reason to be tired. I have no reason to be in bed all day.

Except these people don’t know what’s going on, nor have they followed some of my work where I talk about these times. Where your body feels like a dead weight. Where you can’t muster up the strength to concentrate on some of the simplest matters. I put on a brave face. I laugh. I clown with people. Most people wouldn’t know something was really going on with me.

But remember…it took me two days to get the strength and concentration to finish this one post; the first post in nearly a month.

I don’t think I’m depressed, though some people would probably disagree. After all, I think I had a manic episode earlier in the month. I can’t be sure. It was during a time when I was missing one of the meds that help me sleep and control my brain. I wasn’t getting comfortable sleep. What little sleep I got lasted only about four hours. I was tired. I felt burned out. Then suddenly, I had a huge burst of energy that lasted a couple of days. That’s the magic number. Two days. Then I crashed.

I spent two days out of town. I spent them in Meridian. It was a welcomed change of pace. It was great seeing my family and just having time to away from the pattern that I was stuck in for the last few weeks. Then I returned to Atlanta. The deadweight returned.

That’s not saying that Atlanta is a bad place. I love it here. I was just tired. I was confined to my bed. I lost energy. I couldn’t write. I felt dead inside. But I soldiered on.

As I write this post, I’m feeling just as tired as I have been for the last few weeks. But I feel a little more upbeat today than the day before. I was miserable on Wednesday.

But I’m still here. I’m trying to get back to work. I’m trying to get back to the things that I love. I just need to get through these times.

I’ll be fine.

P.S.- This was one of my greatest joys. This came in from the printer a few days before I went out of town. Physically holding a copy of my first published project in years.

IMG_20181008_130853 (1)

 

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