This last couple of weeks have been something of a whirlwind. A couple of weeks ago, after spending time in a pretty bad depression, I emerged very energetic and with a renewed sense of purpose. It was great. During that time, I came up with great ideas that you will see in the next few months. I contributed a great piece to bphope.com, “The Challenges of Working While Dealing with Bipolar Disorder,” which is a follow-up on my last blog, “The JB Burrage Agency and Being Your Own Boss When You’re Suffering from Bipolar Disorder.”
My last article for bphope.com was picked up by NAMI’s Kauai, Hawaii chapter to reblog on their website. NAMI is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, so this is a pretty good deal. I was pretty excited.
However, I have realized that I was also in trouble. While it was great that I currently don’t feel the confused darkness that I was experiencing from the beginning of September until the middle of October, it just didn’t feel right. Being constantly amped up, I realized I wasn’t sleeping. Not being completely compliant with my meds because of the slump, but also because of a mix-up with the pharmacy (my doctor wasn’t aware of this till I contacted him weeks later), I was on a different level. It was felt good. It felt like a drug. But I was exhausted. I started doing things that I normally wouldn’t do. I started to feel overheated. I started to have those dizzying, sugar rushed feelings. Eventually, after looking at my feelings and actions, as well as listening to the observations of certain people, I came to one conclusion:
I was hypomanic.
This episode felt a little different from just being hypomanic. I’m pretty sure I was actually coming dangerously close to approaching mania itself. Again, it was a great feeling; a very euphoric feeling; but then I started to feel sick. I wasn’t able to concentrate on my work. I felt like a big ball of energy, burning bright and hot as hell, but quickly losing steam. It was one of the longest hypomanic episodes I’ve had in a while. To be clear, I don’t think I’m completely over it. But I have resumed taking meds, and last night I had decent sleep.
It’s well-known that the fall can make me depressed. But another thing that can happen to me is that I can suddenly have a spike in November, usually before Thanksgiving (which can also be a very depressing day for me). In fact, one of my first books I wrote during a Thanksgiving weekend, and I was hypomanic.
I think I’m getting better, even though I still feel the effects. The exhaustion is no joke. If it’s not the depression that drains me, it’s the euphoric/irritable hypomania that drains me and makes me crash when it’s over.
Again, not all bad came out of it. In fact, my decision to for The JB Burrage Agency and turn 10th Avenue Media Visions, LLC into a production company came out of it, and I don’t regret it because it signals a different but vital shift in my business plans. I came up with great ideas that you will see come out in the next six months. So, it had some positive effects. But I prefer to feel neutral, even though I prefer it to the depression. Unfortunately, the actions of the mania always eventually end up being a contributing factor for the crash into depression.
Well…now it’s back to work, slowly. I got too much stuff do, in order to get things ready for the full swing of work with The JB Burrage Agency in 2018. See you soon.