Think I’m Cycling

I took a couple of days away from the blog, till I posted the last one called “Don’t Care Anymore” earlier. I missed it, especially when I saw that other bloggers that I’m following have been posting. I try to make a point to post at least once a day, sometimes two to three times a day.

While I missed it, it was also something of a welcomed break. Right now, I’m not at 100 percent capacity. I’m currently working some behind-the-scenes deals, but I don’t think they will come together. So instead of being in my office for several hours a day, I either been out and about around my side of the Atlanta metro area, or in bed; trying to prevent what I feel could be an episode coming. I think I’m cycling.

I’m not necessarily experiencing the full effects of hypomania, but I’m not feeling the effects of full depression, either. But I can tell you that I’m exhausted. Even with medication, I didn’t get full and complete rest on Monday. I skipped them last night, and didn’t really get much sleep because of it.

I know…I have to take my medication because of my history with non-compliance, and also because if I go too long, I might slip into an episode. I really don’t need to hear that lecture. Honestly, this was probably bubbling before today, meaning it was starting to come up when I was taking my meds. So, I’m not really the one for the lectures.

This is an example of the struggle that I have to deal with. While unpredictable, one thing I noticed with my episodes is that they tend to appear towards the end or beginning of the month, and I’m usually hypomanic. I also noticed that I’m kind of seasonal; I’m more likely to be depressed in the fall (ironically my favorite season) and winter (funny because I’m a January baby), and more likely to be hypomanic in the spring and summer. Doesn’t always work that way, but that tends to be a pattern.

Right now, I don’t know what I’m experiencing. I feel energetic but sluggish at the same time. Extremely sluggish. I know that doesn’t make any sense. But that’s how I feel. And just when I thought I was doing fine after that two-week bout of depression last month. Sigh…oh well.

After it’s over, I usually can assess what happened by talking with my doctor, although I already have an idea when I’m in the middle. However, my episodes are not always as obvious and clear-cut. Sometimes I know exactly what I’m feeling. Sometimes I don’t.

I’ll be fine. I’ve managed this for a while, so I just have to ride it. Again, I don’t need the lectures. I have to put that out there because I know there are some people who will see this post and try to lecture me about my meds, which irritates the shit out of me because I already know and heard it all. So, I’ll be fine. I just have to take steps to minimize the effects.

Thank you for your understanding as I continue to navigate through this. As you can see, it’s a chronic struggle. If I don’t post over the next few days, it’s so I can take care of myself and get through this.

I’ll see you around.

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