This piece is out of a story that I wrote at least six years ago, but never completed and probably never will. I did release it in a small book of short stories, which shall remain nameless, but I pulled the book off of the shelf and never re-released it.
Now I’m releasing it right here in the Black Box Room, at jbburrage.com, for all of my followers to see.
It’s not the longest piece of work by any means. It’s not even close. My chapters and short stories tend to be anywhere from 1500 words to 3500 words. This isn’t at 900. It’s a letter addressed to the lover’s significant other, who clearly has burned him and broke his heart. But he’s still desperate for a resolution.
Without further ado, here is the first of many stories you will see from me on this blog.
To the Love of My Life,
Baby, I write this note to you in hope that you realize the damage that is being done to me before it is too late. I sit here and tell you what is wrong with me, but yet it seems to fall on deaf ears. I try to show you that I am a man with feelings and an appreciation of the smallest things. You still play me off like it is nothing.
I have tried so hard and for so long to show you that I require a certain level of intimacy with you. After all we have been together for a while so why not? But yet, you still push me away, as though I am not good enough for you. It is as if you do not want me in your life.
Now you say it is not true. But my love, you said it yourself that actions speak louder than words. I have failed as being the knight in shining armor, but what you should have seen is a man who is willing to lay it all down for you and only you. But sweetheart, there is only so much a man can take.
I can’t do anything right by you. You say I must do this; but if I try to it still doesn’t do anything for you. The way I used to touch you before repulses you now. No matter how simple or complex, romantic or thuggish, I make things to be I still can’t find the one thing that gets you going. Don’t you see the irony? Once before, the very things I did to turn you on doesn’t work for you. And what you tell me to do still doesn’t work for you. It’s like I am working for nothing. I truly cannot win.
Why must you continue to punish me? Why do you continue to deny me the sweeter joys of you? Don’t you see that there is nobody out there for me? Don’t you see that your heart is where I belong? What you don’t see going on in my head is all I think about is how to take care of you. And all I want to do is please you. But you continue to push me away. You claim that you are so worried about somebody else taking me away from you but you won’t hold on to me.
I am tired of being just a seasonal love affair. I want to settle down. I feel that God has placed us together for a reason, but you fail to see how I am doing my all for you.
I ask you this: Why does it seem like a crime just to be intimate with you? Why won’t you see that your denial is killing me? We all have things going on in our lives but still that is no reason to constantly push away the one that you claim that you love. It is truly like I am just a guy that you had met just recently.
But at the same time, you fail to see how you act selfishly and emotionlessly. You act uncaring and unremorseful. You act as though only your feelings and situations matter. You either fail to see that we are in this together or you don’t want us to be in this together. You fail to see that I am also a man with situations and feelings but is also committed to you. You got a good man by your side but all you do is make it seem that it is all about you. You continue to neglect the man who has put himself aside for the person that he loves.
But then again, maybe it’s me. Maybe you are no longer attracted to me. Maybe I’m just an ugly sore to you. I’m just the man who is begging to share your world and it is too much for you. Maybe there is somebody else in your world. Maybe you feel that it is worth saving yourself for the other man than for me, the one who you are supposed to be committed to. Maybe I am just a seasonal love for you. Or maybe you just downright want somebody from your past because you are comfortable with him and not me. Whatever the reason, I must know. And if I am wrong, it must be fixed before we lose each other.
In the end, what I’m trying to say is that I am always there for you. But you don’t see that. I begged you to share just a little bit of intimacy with me. But you make up a reason why you can’t every damned time. Don’t you see that I am sick of it? We must change today, so we can improve our tomorrow. Because I don’t want to let you go. I still haven’t given up hope on us. But the true question is are you truly ready to see where I am coming from and what I am say, and also take a look at yourself in relation to what you are doing or are you going to let the damage continue?
But why does it matter what I say? In the end, you are not listening anyway.